Chaotic Thoughts of Non-Importance

They couldnt make a drug with less side effects? I was just reading about a common anti-depressent and I just cant help but cringe when I brwose through the long list of side effects produced by the drug. Here is a list of some of the possible side effects of such and drug;

Nausea
Nervousness
Insomnia
Loss of appetite
Constipation
Confusion/agitation
Tremor
Yawning
Palpitation
Dizziness
Sleepiness
Abnormal ejaculation
Sweating
Dry mouth
Gas
Abnormal vision

Now luckily one injesting such a cocktail of side effects is only suffering from depression becuase once they pop that ever so helpful pill they have a shit load of other things to worry about. Is such a list of depressing things to deal with really what is needed by the depressed? Seriously-the last thing im going to take if im a depressed male on the verge of a sexual drout is pill that is going to make abnormal ejaculation, or to a young girl suffering from from an eating disorder, or to those who need to operate heave machinary-taking a pill may produce confusion and agitation? Last but not least-a person like me who suffers from social anxiety-taking an anti-depressent that makes me more nervous than i already am?

My conclusions?
I say NO THANKS I will take my chances...
I guess I happen to like not throwing up, staying calm, eating, going to the bathroom like a normal person, not being confused about something that normally would not confuse me, ejaculating normally and not farting or burping every 10 mn.

I guess thats just me though. Im sure the pill works great...

The Optionless Sleep for Me

How nice it must be to live so carefree

how nice it must be to sleep.

if only sleep was an option for me...

The Poised Edge of Chaos

here are words from another on chaos...



The Poised Edge of Chaos

Sand sifts down, one grain at a time,
forming a small hill. When it grows high
enough, a tiny avalanche begins. Let
sand continue to sift down, and avalanches
will occur irregularly, in no predictable order,
until there is a tiny mountain range of sand.
Peaks will appear, and valleys, and as
sand continues to descend, the relentless
sand, piling up and slipping down, piling
up and slipping down, piling up - eventually
a single grain will cause a catastrophe, all
the hills and valleys erased, the whole face
of the landscape changed in an instant.

Walking yesterday, my heels crushed chamomile
and released intoxicating memories of home.
Earlier this week, I wrote an old love, flooded
with need and desire. Last month I planted
new flowers in an old garden bed -

one grain at a time, a pattern is formed,
one grain at a time, a pattern is destroyed,
and there is no way to know which grain
will build the tiny mountain higher, which
grain will tilt the mountain into avalanche,
whether the avalanche will be small or
catastrophic, enormous or inconsequential.

We are always dancing with chaos, even when
we think we move too gracefully to disrupt
anything in the careful order of our lives,
even when we deny the choreography of passion,
hoping to avoid earthquakes and avalanches,
turbulence and elemental violence and pain.
We are always dancing with chaos, for the grains
sift down upon the landscape of our lives, one,
then another, one, then another, one then another.

Today I rose early and walked by the sea,
watching the changing patterns of the light
and the otters rising and the gulls descending,

and the boats steaming off into the dawn,
and the smoke drifting up into the sky,
and the waves drumming on the dock,

and I sang. An old song came upon me,
>one with no harbour nor dawn nor dock,
no woman walking in the mist, no gulls,
no boats departing for the salmon shoals.

I sang, but not to make order of the sea
nor of the dawn, nor of my life. Not to make
order at all. Only to sing, clear notes over sand.
Only to walk, footsteps in sand. Only to live.

THe Begining

CHAOS

noun

1.
a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.
2.
any confused, disorderly mass: a chaos of meaningless phrases.
3.
the infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe.
4.
(initial capital letter) the personification of this in any of several ancient Greek myths.
5.
Obsolete. a chasm or abyss.


I think its safe to say that ones mind is made up of an endless array of chaotic instances that pave our paths in life. Some days I think that the mind and soul are driven by chaos and an infinite abyss of thoughts, actions, feelings, morality, etc.. And the combonations of these things are whats makes an individual alive.

Our lives are but a complex version of chaotic random occurances. Each day is a new combonation of thoughts and actions and ideas and feelings becuase each day is different than the one before it. Based on such a diverse day-to-day course, chaos is the only conclusion my mind can draw when it comes to understanding why i cant understand myself at times.

Chaos...